Wood into Embers
by Joshua Lanning
I’ve been a square peg jammed in a round hole most of my life. Attempting to find my professional way in an industry that isn’t very kind, certainly favoring those with more money. I never had expendable income to move from Peoria, IL to New York City when I was 20. Or to move from NYC to Colorado and then back to Peoria. And then to Denmark to work for free for months then back to America to continue pursuing my love of cooking and learning to eventually find myself in the most expensive area of the USA, San Francisco and wine country.
…But I did that.
I did that while sacrificing along the way, absorbing debt, absorbing every lesson learned, failing and succeeding. Searching for teachers and mentors in a profession that is narcissistic and fundamentally fucked.
But I love it. I found my way. The square peg was rounded and smoothed, sanded down and transformed into who I am.
darkness + light
The thought of fire is both mesmerizing and terrifying. That fire is both darkness and light at the same time. I can’t look into a fire without thinking of my upbringing. I can see time and again the ‘close calls’ of darkness.
heritage
I think cooking for me needs to represent who I am and not who I think people want to see or what social media tells me to be. Being from the Midwest, born in Keokuk, Iowa, raised in Peoria, Illinois, I have personally struggled to grasp my family heritage, history and direction.
I made a decision a long time ago that I was going to work for the best so that one day I could choose what it was I wanted to do and not be cornered into something I wasn’t happy with. After many years in this adventure, I found myself as the Sous Chef at a Three Michelin Starred restaurant that was highly inspired from traditional Japanese cuisine. I felt I had reached a mountain top of sorts, though I still didn’t know who I was as a cook.
the switch
One day, while butchering the most beautiful fish from Japan, I received a phone call from my Sister that my dad had a heart attack and was in intensive care. At first, my mind said, He will be fine. It will be fine. Just another struggle for the Lanning family. But things quickly escalated, and I found myself in a car heading to the airport with my 2-year-old daughter. 30 minutes into that drive, I got the phone call that he had passed away. I remember sitting in the airport with my daughter in my arms, in shock, trying to hold it together. I couldn’t stop holding her and I don’t think she will ever know that comfort she gave me.
Something inside of me switched on that trip. I’ve always loved my family and valued them above most though I never showed that as my focus was always on my career. My dad wasn’t the most interesting of men. He was pretty normal. But he loved BBQ. He loved cooking BBQ. It was the topic that we connected over and talked on the phone about. My love for cooking and his love for BBQ brought us close together many times.
The bbq trail to California
When I arrived back to California, I got back to work but something inside of me wasn’t the same. I could only think of my family and I could only think of BBQ. My mom said that if I wanted my Dad’s BBQ trailer, I could have it. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I had to get it and bring it to California. I decided to participate in a BBQ competition in Murphysboro, IL to pay homage to him and celebrate him with my family. The months leading up, I cooked BBQ almost every day after work, days off, any free time. I spent thousands of dollars on ingredients and equipment just to train. I couldn’t stop. Then we made our way to Murphysboro for the competition. This was the first stop on a cross country BBQ trip to bring my dad’s trailer back to California.
Even after the trip, all I could think about was my dad, BBQ and my future. After months and months of life changing decisions, I found myself wanting to only cook with fire and be outside in a back yard of sorts, cooking for friends, laughing and not taking it too seriously.
open fire
My search for my heritage, my history came into focus behind the open fire of a bbq pit. Embers glowing, transforming food into experiences. Fire is much more than an element of taste and technique. It is an access point for human emotion. Families gather around a fire. Fire brings joy and but can represent sadness. It’s evil and holy. There is no other way to really cook for people than over wood turned to embers. Cooking over fire is hard. Things can get out of control quickly. Subtle movements create huge outcomes. My life could have been ‘easy’ if I grew up surrounded by wealth. But I grew up around struggle. I wouldn’t be who I am without it. I wouldn’t change a thing. Fire for me is symbolic of my life. Nothing can compare to the flavor of ember cooking.
Embers are their hottest when they are dying.
Embers are what is left of a dying fire.
Lyrics from one of my favorite songs:
We live and we die
Like fireworks
Our legacies hide
In the embers
May our stories catch fire
And burn bright enough
To catch God's eye
We live and we die
Like fireworks
We pull apart the dark
Compete against the stars
With all of our hearts
Till our temporary brilliance turns to ash
We pull apart the darkness while we can
May we live and die
A valorous life
May we write it all down
In cursive light
So we pray we were made
In the image of a figure eight
May we live and die
Like fireworks
We pull apart the dark
Compete against the stars
With all of our hearts
Till our temporary brilliance turns to ash
We pull apart the darkness while we can
Like fireworks
We pull apart the dark
Compete against the stars
With all of our hearts
Till our temporary brilliance turns to ash
We pull apart the darkness while we can
“In the Embers” – Sleeping at Last